I love my byline, but I’ve experienced a pang of guilt every time I’ve seen it written down over the last couple of years. The megabyting has generally taken care of itself, mainly because if I don’t code then I don’t get paid. The fighting and the writing trickled off into eternal tomorrow.
That said, last year I decided to seize my stagnating career by the nads and make it sing. As happens occasionally, the intent alone seemed sufficient to open some unexpected doors, and now I’m lead developer at a startup, working for yet another madcap entrepreneur. I work in an office now, rather than my bedroom. I drive to the Shore every day, work alongside people I like, leave, then live an after-hours life that doesn’t involve working or feeling guilty about not working.
So now that my career is well-nourished for the next two-to-ten years, I’m tackling the fighting and the writing, among a few other Heather-style projects.
Last time I visited the UK, I caught up with my friend Jessie, and I mentioned my year’s goal of “being ok with being uncomfortable”. She laughed and said “you and your themes”, which is utterly accurate.
A common tumblr meme at the moment is one-line zodiac sign characteristics. I saw a post that was “New years resolutions for the zodiac signs”, and mine was “make fewer resolutions and achieve more than two of them”. This is also accurate (although coincidentally, no doubt).
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to get out of life. I don’t have an overarching life goal, outside of maybe doing some cool stuff. I don’t really know what that says about me, except that I’m very, very privileged. Maybe the act of writing is a tool for working out who I am at my core, rather than just what I enjoy doing. Wish me luck, or tenacity, or something.